Thursday, July 24, 2003

The answer was quick

The answer to "my greatest fear" was indeed quick

two invitations in two days, to make things happen.

I realized that I left no room for you to send me your dreams. So if you want, just send them to I will be more than glad to help


I received this one from a dear friend

and here I publish it


This is my minor interpretation of your passages. It is dark but beautiful.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever prayed and not received? And then never prayed again and never received?

Have you ever worked and not achieved? And then never tried again and never achieved?

Have you ever played and not won? And then never played and never won?

Have you ever loved and not be loved? And never loved again and never be loved?

Have you lived but not felt alive? And wished never to live and stopped being alive?"


Tuesday, July 22, 2003

My Greatest Fear

Yesterday I discovered my greatest fear...the fear of not being used.

All my life I've been developing myself to be useful...I was raised to believe that being useful is what gives life its value.

But in the mean time, I have always been totally unable to use myself. I'm programmed to be used by others.

Others dream, and I make their dreams come true
Others need, and I work hard to fulfill their needs

I'm the best employee in the world, because I know how to make things happen, but I never really claim the credit of wanting them to happen.

I'm the "How" man, and a "How" needs a "What" to justify its existence.

Many times I knew what I want, and why I want it to happen, but I never really had the guts to go on and make it happen. I always search for a Justifier. Somebody who pronounces the magic words, and claims the dream as his own. Only this would set me into action...and I'm good in it.

So what if nobody dreamed? what if nobody pronounced his need? what if nobody asked me to help?
I would just remain there waiting, qualified to do, but not doing...being not-utilized is indeed my greatest fear.

I know about it but I fight it not....I just make every effort to be more it goes on and on

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Back to Life

One week in bed...low life...low blood pressure...low heart rate...

They told me I have a hyper sensitive Vagus Nerve which leads to low blood pressure (as low as 80/50) and heart rate (as low as 36/minute)

So what, It's definitly not causing me much of the "Will I DIE" concerns, but it keeps me safe from the more difficult question : "WILL I LIVE"

I want to live...I want to live more...MORE MORE MORE everyday.

While in bed, I started organizing my old files (Old for me is 13 to 7 years ago). WOW, have I lived so much. A full experience of love, joy, hurt, failure, dreams (mostly unachieved) and achievements (mostly unexpected). I did live, I have lived, I'm ALIFE.

I can't claim my body is as enthustiastic as my soul right now, but gradually it will learn to cooperate, won't it?

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

The prayer of a skeptic makes me wonder if the same really applies to the broader scope of life, the question for me expands, from "Have you ever prayed and haven't received?" to a number of similar questions:

"Have you ever worked and haven't achieved", "Have you ever played and haven't enjoyed", "Have you ever loved and haven't been blessed by love", "Have you ever experienced art and haven't been inspired", OR in short term:


It seems to me that for whatever you experience, with every breath you inhale, you receive much much more than what you give.

So what stops me, so many times, from being filled, is not what I live or how I live it, but what I don't live and why I don't. I fear so many things in life...

I fear to pray and receive I don't pray, and so I receive nothing
I fear to work and not I don't work, and so I don't achieve
I fear to play, I fear to love, I fear to create......................
I fear to live, so I just stop being alife.

How the hell don't I - being a prestigious successful deep aware intelligent experienced etc etc etc man - remember this very simple lesson when the next minor choice of whether to be or not to be emerges. How come it is so simple but so difficult to inhale life starting from the next second I write these words?

I have no answer now, because I was just writing the question for you. I was not asking it!

As it goes along the same line of truth, that every time you really ask, you will be answered.